Thread of Love v6.9

[MWB]

That really sucks. It sounds like maybe she didn’t feel the same connection as you, but instead of being up front about it just decided to let things fizzle. I can understand your frustration, because it leaves you wondering and less confident.

[CBear3]

I need a space to vent because I'm just so goddamn annoyed with the process at this point...

I matched with a girl on Bumble about 2 months ago. We hit it off almost immediately, hours long conversations deep into the night, every night, about everything and nothing in particular. Go out on a date a week later, again just instant connection, losing track of time, punctuated with a kiss and a long goodbye. She claims to get sick Wednesday, but we continue to stay up and talk (including future plans) until Saturday afternoon. I hear nothing for 4 days. Wednesday she says "oh, just been overwhelmed between work and being sick". Nothing again for another 5 days, so I reach out and get "I'm better now but between work, family, and house stuff I've been having difficulty with time management". I say fine, and offer to wait for her cue. 10 days later she gives me the "too busy, deleted all my apps, take care of yourself". Ok, fine, I understand that.

Fast forward to now, I find her Hinge profile. Looks recent-ish, but what chaps my ass is that she has one picture she took in the bathroom mirror while we were on our first date. Exact same outfit she was wearing, and the place had a unique styling, so there's no question about it. Also includes another picture that she sent me directly based on a conversation thread we were on.

I don't even know if I have a point to this, other than to get it out of my system. I feel lied to, especially because we connected so well and so deeply despite the shortness of our talking, and because there was no other indications that things were going bad.

I really wish I was able to just not give a ****, but I'm hamstrung by my own inability to keep multiple options open at the same time (because I want to build more of a connection with someone instead of a pump and dump), and I'm finding out I still have issues from a months-long relationship that ended a year ago where something similar happened (things were going well until she started pulling away, and blamed outside factors for her pulling away) despite all the work I've done in therapy to move on.

Dating in 2023 sucks ass, y'all.

Chin up. The reality is that you connected, not her. And she was good at disguising it, or using your infatuation to inflate her own ego.
It's not a you problem in that regard, its a them problem. And that's existed since the dawn of time. Don't let it make you lose hope.

[count2infinity]

Yup... I'll echo what others have said. You felt the connection, she didn't. That sucks and I think we've all been there.

I'll tell you that I know for a fact that I've been the her in a couple instances in my early 20's. I didn't want to necessarily be straight up about the fact that I felt nothing for them as I thought that would be upsetting to them, so I made up excuses and moved on. I'm pretty sure one of them ended up being upset about it for a long, long time. Of course, there wasn't so many online dating options then, so it's not like they saw me on the dating scene immediately after. I can only imagine how much that would suck.

Sucks all around, and I hope the next one is better. Keep at it.

[Beveridge]

I'll add this as well...

It sucks in the moment, but when you find your other half, every single one of these lame situations is 10000% worth it.

[Morkle]

Sorry to hear MR25, It's gotta be ridiculously tough navigating these new online dating waters, and how everything is and isn't exclusive anymore regarding that stuff.

[count2infinity]

I was getting tattooed about 3 weeks ago by an artist I hadn't known or met before our appointment. We got to chatting and she's 33, she's been dating her boyfriend and business partner since they were teenagers, and they decided to split both the business and the relationship. I mentioned how tough I'd imagine that could be (especially considering she lives and works in Bedford... not a deep dating pool). She said that she's about 9 months into the break-up and is thinking about trying some online dating stuff but she has no idea where to even start or how it all works as she's never had a need for it.

I can't imagine trying to date right now. Like, heaven forbid, something happens to my wife... I'm just staying single the rest of my life.

[mikey]

First of all, **** her. Second of all, is there anything in retrospect that you could glean as a learning lesson to sense this happening again in the future? I really feel like the apps somehow lower the, hmmmm, "accountability" maybe of dating...but that could be an old man take...

Third, when you hit a losing streak: change your process. Don't go fishin' in the same lake and expect different fish...

[MalkinIsMyHomeboy]

I was getting tattooed about 3 weeks ago by an artist I hadn't known or met before our appointment. We got to chatting and she's 33, she's been dating her boyfriend and business partner since they were teenagers, and they decided to split both the business and the relationship. I mentioned how tough I'd imagine that could be (especially considering she lives and works in Bedford... not a deep dating pool). She said that she's about 9 months into the break-up and is thinking about trying some online dating stuff but she has no idea where to even start or how it all works as she's never had a need for it.

I can't imagine trying to date right now. Like, heaven forbid, something happens to my wife... I'm just staying single the rest of my life.

dating these days is a legitimate mental health crisis imo. It’s sad how hopeless it can be for so many people. Hell, thankfully I’m in a relationship now, but five months ago I felt pretty damn hopeless

sadly I encountered what MR25 had a bunch. The worst part about it is that it makes you not trust your instincts. You feel like you’re really vibing with someone and then you get the rug pulled…it’s so common. One of the unfortunate circumstances of dating these days is that most people are dating multiple people at a time so not only do you have seemingly-promising options vanish randomly but also because of dating apps, people get so influenced by the opportunity to keep “upgrading” a date to someone who’s even more attractive, etc. I think the paradox of choice has taken hold of a lot of people

it can be infinitely frustrating

[MR25]

She also made the first move physically, so I think that's what makes it even harder to reconcile for me. I get what you guys are saying though regarding the unrequited connection.

As for my approach, I'm an introvert - I cannot find whatever it is in myself to cold approach someone at a bar and clubs are just way too much going on at once. I try not to **** where I eat, so dating someone I work with (not necessarily my department) is more or less off the table, but I'd pursue it under the right circumstances. My therapist suggested finding a new hobby or adult classes (my first thought was cooking) since most of my current pursuits involve friends/people I already know who are either married or dating someone also in the group. I haven't found anything that fits my schedule yet but I'm keeping my eyes open.

[MalkinIsMyHomeboy]

First of all, **** her. Second of all, is there anything in retrospect that you could glean as a learning lesson to sense this happening again in the future? I really feel like the apps somehow lower the, hmmmm, "accountability" maybe of dating...but that could be an old man take...

yeah, this is absolutely true. It’s why “ghosting” is such a normal thing these days. When someone goes on a lot of dates, they just inherently start treating the dates more like a mass produced product rather than a person. It sucks

Third, when you hit a losing streak: change your process. Don't go fishin' in the same lake and expect different fish...

ehhhhhh disagree with this, though it depends on what MR25 believes ultimately. Getting rejected in and of itself isn’t a problem. It can be a positive result. To me the big piece is “are you being authentic to yourself when you’re on the dates?” If the answer is yes then unfortunately sometimes it just comes down to puckluck. If it’s no then that’s when I’d recommend someone analyze their process to consider how they can be more genuine

like, who knows why the girl rejected MR25. Maybe its because of some major incompatibility that MR didn’t see (like maybe she is actually really into BDSM…that’s arguably a bullet dodged). Maybe she’s looking for Channing Tatum, etc. but regardless, as long as MR felt like he was presenting himself as honestly as he could then I don’t think there’s anything he has to change necessarily. If she doesn’t like him for him then she can pound sand anyway

[MalkinIsMyHomeboy]

As for my approach, I'm an introvert - I cannot find whatever it is in myself to cold approach someone at a bar and clubs are just way too much going on at once. I try not to **** where I eat, so dating someone I work with (not necessarily my department) is more or less off the table, but I'd pursue it under the right circumstances. My therapist suggested finding a new hobby or adult classes (my first thought was cooking) since most of my current pursuits involve friends/people I already know who are either married or dating someone also in the group. I haven't found anything that fits my schedule yet but I'm keeping my eyes open.

the place that I had the most opportunity to do this was, kind of interestingly, at a yoga/hot Pilates studio. Now, while I joined (with a female friend) with the ultimate intention of trying to meet women, I played the long game. It was close to a year until I finally asked one out, because I wanted to avoid being the creepy guy who joined only to ask women out. Hell at one point because I was friendly with the owner he kind of knew that I was trying to do and would encourage me because he knew I was being respectful about it

I had a lot of good dates that frustratingly went nowhere, including one girl who came over to my house to watch the Super Bowl for a first date. But I did manage to go on dates with five different women and all obviously were attractive

[Rylan]

Do Improv classes. Lots of interesting people do those.

[Orlando Penguin]

Reading the horror stories makes one feel better about just giving up and going it alone (unless something organically appears).

[MalkinIsMyHomeboy]

Do Improv classes. Lots of interesting people do those.

I agree in that improv was probably the place where I met the absolute coolest people. Like, you have to be both funny and super nice to do improv so it’s the perfect combo for finding friends


that said, in the year or so that I did improv, I only met one woman who I found attractive. She wasn’t drop dead gorgeous or anything but she was 6+ inches taller than me so I was too intimidated to make a move

[Rylan]

1 > 0 and that is a good thing. Plus, it creates a new dynamic for a new friend group and their hanger ons. Because of the way the classes and programs go, it creates opportunity to showcase personality.

[mikey]

In 99% of all cases, funny people are people that are damaged and went through stuff...pretty girls, comparatively, don't go through as much stuff...there's no fire for comedy. You'll meet a "cool" girl probably...but depending on where you're at on the pecking order, you're not going to meet a physically attractive one. Tough nuts, but that's the deal in society...

[Ad@m]

[faftorial]

Nonplussed

[Lemon Berry Lobster]

Got stood up this weekend. Thought it would be a fun person to be with. Suppose that's what ya get when ya wheel one for 18 months with no real intentions. You married folks don't really know how good you have it. Anyway, hug your partner, kiss them, take a step back and enjoy that someone will take the time to deal with your **** and still share a bed with ya.

[Kaiser]

Got stood up this weekend. Thought it would be a fun person to be with. Suppose that's what ya get when ya wheel one for 18 months with no real intentions. You married folks don't really know how good you have it. Anyway, hug your partner, kiss them, take a step back and enjoy that someone will take the time to deal with your **** and still share a bed with ya.

especially if you have tickets to the kingdom.

[faftorial]

Got stood up this weekend. Thought it would be a fun person to be with. Suppose that's what ya get when ya wheel one for 18 months with no real intentions. You married folks don't really know how good you have it. Anyway, hug your partner, kiss them, take a step back and enjoy that someone will take the time to deal with your **** and still share a bed with ya.

Was with someone for 25 years.

I'm good on my own now.

[Morkle]

The leg thing women do with pictures is mega goofy.

[dodint]

There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for the life my wife and I have built together. It has been a lot of work but it pays continual dividends.

[count2infinity]

I'm happy with my life the wife and I have built. It would take a lot (and I mean A LOT) for me to leave that situation willingly (divorce) and should I be in a situation where it was unwillingly taken from me, I wouldn't have the energy nor the drive to rebuild it.

[dodint]

Yeah, I've said something similar. My wife and I started dating in 2002. I wouldn't make it in this landscape, particularly with a WFH job and little desire to go out and socialize in public. I reckon I'd find someone eventually but it would take a long time and would happen by chance.