Thread of Love v6.9
Thread of Love v6.9
I have never been on a date. I let things happen organically, and they go where they go. Trying to set up a meeting with someone I just met or never met has never made sense to me. Go do things you like doing, you'll meet other people who like doing those things. Built in commonality.
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Thread of Love v6.9
Damn...shy doesn't begin to describe it...and yeah, that look a lot to say even in this semi-anonymous venue...
Thread of Love v6.9
Anonymous? I've been to his house.
If he's happy then it works. Better than forcing something to align with a dated norm.
If he's happy then it works. Better than forcing something to align with a dated norm.
Thread of Love v6.9
That makes sense, and maybe you're willing to be more personal here so it sounds like a perpetual issue. What I'm saying is that knowing someone better before anything romantic happens is much better than beating your head against walls with people you don't know, and then letting it affect you.Desperation has nothing to do with it. I could’ve been in a relationship a long time ago. But I knew those women weren’t right for me and I had to end itOne of the reasons I was able to slay (before marriage) Was that I never tried. When I went out, I was there for fun and fun only. No pickup lines, no asking for numbers. Doing that stuff a million times doesn't mean the dating world is f***ed. To me you sound desperate. If you didn't have a girl I'd tell you to bench yourself for awhile and stop caring so much.
I know it sounds odd considering I mentioned paradox of choice before but I know how important it is to not just find someone but to find someone you’re really compatible with and I knew I just wasn’t compatible. I’m guessing if I was desperate I wouldn’t have cared about that and just jumped into whatever to not be alone
Thread of Love v6.9
So you made a mature decision. And a decision that was right for you. There are plenty of people who have no problem going through partner after partner and not worrying about a commitment. I’m someone who is more like you and don’t like casual dating, but there’s nothing wrong with people who do. I think dating apps expose that more. And people like you and I who don’t like the casual scene find dating in general more difficult. The apps just amplify the normal dating issues.Desperation has nothing to do with it. I could’ve been in a relationship a long time ago. But I knew those women weren’t right for me and I had to end itOne of the reasons I was able to slay (before marriage) Was that I never tried. When I went out, I was there for fun and fun only. No pickup lines, no asking for numbers. Doing that stuff a million times doesn't mean the dating world is f***ed. To me you sound desperate. If you didn't have a girl I'd tell you to bench yourself for awhile and stop caring so much.
I know it sounds odd considering I mentioned paradox of choice before but I know how important it is to not just find someone but to find someone you’re really compatible with and I knew I just wasn’t compatible. I’m guessing if I was desperate I wouldn’t have cared about that and just jumped into whatever to not be alone
Thread of Love v6.9
I have never been on a date. I let things happen organically, and they go where they go. Trying to set up a meeting with someone I just met or never met has never made sense to me. Go do things you like doing, you'll meet other people who like doing those things. Built in commonality.
One of the problems is that I don't like doing things that involve other people. I certainly do not enjoy interacting with people I don't know. Having to mingle at some sort of social event is pretty close to my definition of hell.
Thread of Love v6.9
Is it a problem though? I'm most comfortable at home with my video games, music, TV, and nobody else. Like I said I don't go places to meet people, I go when I want to do something there. Other people can enter my space if they want, but I'm not going to chase them. I wasn't trying to act like I'm charlie sheen or something.I have never been on a date. I let things happen organically, and they go where they go. Trying to set up a meeting with someone I just met or never met has never made sense to me. Go do things you like doing, you'll meet other people who like doing those things. Built in commonality.
One of the problems is that I don't like doing things that involve other people. I certainly do not enjoy interacting with people I don't know. Having to mingle at some sort of social event is pretty close to my definition of hell.
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Thread of Love v6.9
For the record, I did very little with apps...I feel like I got like two kills all time in the short amount of time I had an app or two lying around...but I'm also really comfortable in bars, clubs, music shows, and just generally any place where there's a room of people...I've said it before, but if you're not that happy with the outcome of apps (generally), I'd just make a change...your person (MIMH) that talks like someone that tries to grow as a person (therapy, improv, amateur plumbing), I'm a tiny bit surprised you don't take an extended break from the apps and go a completely different direction...but maybe you do and we just don't have the full play by play...
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Thread of Love v6.9
The apps are definitely geared towards the younger people, early/mid 20s. I had some wild interactions through those things and now in my mid 30s they're just not it. After this past weekend I uninstalled the one I was using.
Thread of Love v6.9
Is it a problem though? I'm most comfortable at home with my video games, music, TV, and nobody else. Like I said I don't go places to meet people, I go when I want to do something there. Other people can enter my space if they want, but I'm not going to chase them. I wasn't trying to act like I'm charlie sheen or something.
I suppose it's a problem if I want someone else in my life. As it stands now, I'm going to be one of those people where the police knock down the door and find their body like two weeks after they die because the mailman noticed that my mailbox was full and called them. Or maybe because some neighbor notices the smell.
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Thread of Love v6.9
Oh wow, gents. So much to catch up on in this thread. Seeing as I'm out of town on a business trip holed up in my hotel room, this seems like a great time to delve into an unnecessarily-long post of thoughts, reader be warned. For the sake of the thread I'll spoiler tag it:
tl;dr, insufferable guy thinks he's figured out online dating since he's in a relationship that started from online dating.
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Thread of Love v6.9
Also, MR25 a few pages back: that sucks man. Condolences.
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Thread of Love v6.9
lol I started using dating apps in 2012. I definitely took plenty of breaksFor the record, I did very little with apps...I feel like I got like two kills all time in the short amount of time I had an app or two lying around...but I'm also really comfortable in bars, clubs, music shows, and just generally any place where there's a room of people...I've said it before, but if you're not that happy with the outcome of apps (generally), I'd just make a change...your person (MIMH) that talks like someone that tries to grow as a person (therapy, improv, amateur plumbing), I'm a tiny bit surprised you don't take an extended break from the apps and go a completely different direction...but maybe you do and we just don't have the full play by play...
hell, I took a year off from this site because y’all caused me so much stress (the last page or so where it feels like I’m getting randomly **** thrown at me is kind of an example of why I took the time off)
it’s weird. two posts above this and meecro is calling me “insufferable”. Definitely don’t know what I did to deserve that
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Thread of Love v6.9
btw this is what I was talking about with the “wealth inequality” in dating apps. The % is the percentage of likes that demographic gets
so, for example, the top 10% of men get 58% of all likes
the data is from an engineer who worked on Hinge
https://qz.com/1051462/these-statistics ... ating-apps
so, for example, the top 10% of men get 58% of all likes
the data is from an engineer who worked on Hinge
https://qz.com/1051462/these-statistics ... ating-apps
Thread of Love v6.9
Are those "likes" based on interaction or merely the profile? If it's the latter, Those stats only reinforce what I said earlier. Boiling people down to stats is going to tell you to think of them as stats. Are you a number? Are you your f***ing khakis? Or are you a deep person with a lot of interesting qualities, years of past experiences and far reaching visions of the future for yourself? Everyone is someone.
I can tell you I've met very attractive women and men who absolutely repulsed me with their behavior. I have no doubt they could go get laid or find someone on a dating app to hit the like button. Show me the stats on how many of them found a soulmate while being total buttholes to everyone around them. Just because app dating is available now doesn't mean it changed our species. If you want to find someone who's "right" and compatible, you have to get beyond dating app stats. Who gives a rats ass what the top 10% of people are doing? It's your life. You have to live it on your terms.
I can tell you I've met very attractive women and men who absolutely repulsed me with their behavior. I have no doubt they could go get laid or find someone on a dating app to hit the like button. Show me the stats on how many of them found a soulmate while being total buttholes to everyone around them. Just because app dating is available now doesn't mean it changed our species. If you want to find someone who's "right" and compatible, you have to get beyond dating app stats. Who gives a rats ass what the top 10% of people are doing? It's your life. You have to live it on your terms.
Thread of Love v6.9
I suppose in the abstract there might be "someone below their standards who is into them," but I can personally say that if any woman on Earth has ever had any romantic interest in me, I've never noticed it. I concede it's possible it might have occurred, and I might have not noticed because I'm very much not good at social stuff or picking up cues, but I've never noticed it.
For some, it's not really a matter of attractiveness. I've always been overweight, so that's a big negative, but neither am I like screaming lightspeed ugly, either. (I suppose dodint could weigh in on that, since he's actually met me.) I'm just spectacularly bad at interacting with other people. It takes months if not years before I'm comfortable in person around other people, and it's a major effort to deal with other people in person even on a professional level. Heck, there are family members I have a hard time talking with because I don't see them very often and therefore don't know them very well. This is one of the reasons I suspect that I could be on the spectrum; one of the characteristics of people with high-functioning autism is that they are often very poor at picking up and interpreting social cues from other people, which makes it a major struggle to interact with people on a face-to-face basis. If I don't know someone, it's hell to talk to them. For example, for that one date I went on, I was diligently trying to be far more open and communicative that I would otherwise be precisely because I know that I have a hard time talking to people. The woman I went out with (for a meal only) was a med student working with my mother, and she told my mother afterwards that she felt like she had to drag every word out of me and carry the entire conversation. And that's when I was specifically making an effort to talk more and constantly telling myself to keep talking, ask her questions about herself, etc.
Funny thing is, I would imagine there are women out there my age who would be interested in me. I have a sold, high-paying job, I own my own house and car, I have no personal debts, I'm not a momma's boy (and mom is out of the picture anyway), I'm not a drunk or druggie, and I don't have any kids. But the notion of trying to find one of those women is so daunting to me that I basically just... don't.
For some, it's not really a matter of attractiveness. I've always been overweight, so that's a big negative, but neither am I like screaming lightspeed ugly, either. (I suppose dodint could weigh in on that, since he's actually met me.) I'm just spectacularly bad at interacting with other people. It takes months if not years before I'm comfortable in person around other people, and it's a major effort to deal with other people in person even on a professional level. Heck, there are family members I have a hard time talking with because I don't see them very often and therefore don't know them very well. This is one of the reasons I suspect that I could be on the spectrum; one of the characteristics of people with high-functioning autism is that they are often very poor at picking up and interpreting social cues from other people, which makes it a major struggle to interact with people on a face-to-face basis. If I don't know someone, it's hell to talk to them. For example, for that one date I went on, I was diligently trying to be far more open and communicative that I would otherwise be precisely because I know that I have a hard time talking to people. The woman I went out with (for a meal only) was a med student working with my mother, and she told my mother afterwards that she felt like she had to drag every word out of me and carry the entire conversation. And that's when I was specifically making an effort to talk more and constantly telling myself to keep talking, ask her questions about herself, etc.
Funny thing is, I would imagine there are women out there my age who would be interested in me. I have a sold, high-paying job, I own my own house and car, I have no personal debts, I'm not a momma's boy (and mom is out of the picture anyway), I'm not a drunk or druggie, and I don't have any kids. But the notion of trying to find one of those women is so daunting to me that I basically just... don't.
Thread of Love v6.9
Exactly. From the article: “Hinge is based on a system of “liking” some particular aspect of a person’s profile.” It’s surface level, which is really the only way for a dating app to initiate interactions for people. Most people who are looking for a partner will constantly “rate” a potential partner in their head. Even out shopping, you might see someone and think wow, she’s really attractive. If you’re at a bar and strike up a conversation and it goes well, you might think she’s got a great personality. Or we’ve got a lot in common. Those are “likes” in the real world. But the surface level “likes” in the real world happen a lot more because you just see more people than you interact with. It’s the same on dating apps.Are those "likes" based on interaction or merely the profile? If it's the latter, Those stats only reinforce what I said earlier. Boiling people down to stats is going to tell you to think of them as stats. Are you a number? Are you your f***ing khakis? Or are you a deep person with a lot of interesting qualities, years of past experiences and far reaching visions of the future for yourself? Everyone is someone.
I can tell you I've met very attractive women and men who absolutely repulsed me with their behavior. I have no doubt they could go get laid or find someone on a dating app to hit the like button. Show me the stats on how many of them found a soulmate while being total buttholes to everyone around them. Just because app dating is available now doesn't mean it changed our species. If you want to find someone who's "right" and compatible, you have to get beyond dating app stats. Who gives a rats ass what the top 10% of people are doing? It's your life. You have to live it on your terms.
Thread of Love v6.9
Can confirm. Normal looking dude. No militia gear or cammo in sight. Probably uses the term "obese" in the literal CDC standard sense because he doesn't look fat either. He's that college professor that was effectual but you forgot his name a year after graduation.For some, it's not really a matter of attractiveness. I've always been overweight, so that's a big negative, but neither am I like screaming lightspeed ugly, either. (I suppose dodint could weigh in on that, since he's actually met me.)
Thread of Love v6.9
These apps absolutely help people who aren't as good interacting with people face to face. I'm very similar to shyster in terms of how I am with others in person, but I knew that I wanted someone else in my life to really be happy. It's nearly impossible for me to start a conversation with a stranger and it's hard for me to keep a conversation going. I've gotten a little better over the years, but I'm always known as the shy one. One year I started working in a new room with someone I'd never met in the room next to me. After about a week she went to another teacher, who happened to be my friend and said, "So is he an dadhole or does he just not like me?" After a little while we became friends and still talk to this day. But that was through being forced to share a common area. Nearly every relationship I've had was started online; the others were through work. Online I can do what I can't do in person. I can talk, open up a little, be a little funny, let my personality show. Then when we meet in person I'm much more comfortable. So for someone like me, dating apps were a way to break down the barrier in my own mind.
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Thread of Love v6.9
Dude I'm referring to myself there. It's my own tl;dr post and I was summarizing my own unnecessarily long-winded post, hence the descriptor...it’s weird. two posts above this and meecro is calling me “insufferable”. Definitely don’t know what I did to deserve that
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Thread of Love v6.9
would you consider that a date? sounds like a dateAnonymous? I've been to his house.
Thread of Love v6.9
Best part: my wife was there and watched.
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Thread of Love v6.9
Yeah that's all fairly similar for my experiences as well. Especially in a public place/space, I would err on the side of letting people mind their own business. It's certainly easier to get a foot in the door on the apps (or, at least, the illusion of the foot in the door, which isn't necessarily the best thing).These apps absolutely help people who aren't as good interacting with people face to face. I'm very similar to shyster in terms of how I am with others in person, but I knew that I wanted someone else in my life to really be happy. It's nearly impossible for me to start a conversation with a stranger and it's hard for me to keep a conversation going. I've gotten a little better over the years, but I'm always known as the shy one. One year I started working in a new room with someone I'd never met in the room next to me. After about a week she went to another teacher, who happened to be my friend and said, "So is he an dadhole or does he just not like me?" After a little while we became friends and still talk to this day. But that was through being forced to share a common area. Nearly every relationship I've had was started online; the others were through work. Online I can do what I can't do in person. I can talk, open up a little, be a little funny, let my personality show. Then when we meet in person I'm much more comfortable. So for someone like me, dating apps were a way to break down the barrier in my own mind.
A shitty thing about apps I don't think was mentioned earlier when the downsides were discussed: when you first sign-up the algorithm will bump up your profile and you'll get a lot of matches. That's good. Then once you've been on for a little the algorithm will bury your profile, and in order to get more action you have to pay for boosts (this is true for both Tinder and Bumble at least). That's bad. People found a workaround at one point where they could delete their profile and start a new one and get the boost again, but the companies may have figured out a way to prevent that now, idk, it's been a couple years.
That's kind of where the "video game" aspect of the apps comes into play. You're on the phone, sitting on the couch or taking a **** or whatever, take out the app to pass the time, get a dopamine hit. I'd almost miss it if my current situation wasn't so great. I was good at it (this absolutely plays into the "game-ification" of it) -- I can see how it might desensitize some people, to make them see potential partners less as "people" and more as like, little accomplishments to boost their own self-esteem. Not denying that. But they've also been a big benefit to a lot of people too, myself included, so I can't deny that side of it either.
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Thread of Love v6.9
C2i and I both independently drew the conclusion from your original post that you honestly believe the only reason this girl is with you is because you were her first match and she hasn't taken the time to try to find someone better.why the **** does anyone need to be “called out”?Imo is nice to have a neutral party call you out
I genuinely don’t understand yalls angle. I’m getting pretty vulnerable here talking about something that made me detest living (trying to find a partner) and again, for whatever reason, it’s just turning into **** on MIMH mode. I’m not going after anyone, just talking about painfully difficult it is for people who are single these days yet it’s turned into this dumb bullshit
We're on your side here pal, and we're telling you that you need to realize you're good enough for anyone, as long as you're good enough for you.
I think you're so naturally inclined to dunk on yourself that you don't even realize you're doing it. That's why you're being called out - in a productive way - so that you realize you're doing it and hopefully it makes you call on what you've learned in your 6 years of therapy to think differently.
Shes with you because she likes you. Period.
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Thread of Love v6.9
Big facts here. When there's no agenda, you can't fail. When you can't fail, you exude confidence. When you exude confidence, you're getting empty netters.One of the reasons I was able to slay (before marriage) Was that I never tried. When I went out, I was there for fun and fun only. No pickup lines, no asking for numbers. Doing that stuff a million times doesn't mean the dating world is f***ed. To me you sound desperate. If you didn't have a girl I'd tell you to bench yourself for awhile and stop caring so much.
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