5AF Parenting Thread

mac5155
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Postby mac5155 » Mon Nov 08, 2021 12:46 pm

Lil mac also had tubes. They helped with his constant ear infections and I want to say helped with walking too.

robbiestoupe
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Postby robbiestoupe » Mon Nov 08, 2021 1:41 pm

I had tubes back in the day; they've been around for a while. Pretty sure both my brothers had them too. Thankfully, none of my kids have required them

Morkle
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Postby Morkle » Tue Nov 09, 2021 10:59 am

So here's a family question for you people. I've recently been given some grief from my close family about not being home to visit enough, etc. I maybe go home once every few weeks, and while I do think I should go more, it's brutally tough with a toddler who has speech therapies, swim lessons, etc. I also feel like I'm the one that always has to invite ourselves over, we're never asked to come to dinner, or to come hang out, or do anything different. It's always us initiating the hang-outs.

This turned into a spat about a month ago, and there was much yelling that happened, but it's been a month and seemingly nothing has changed, we still always call, we're the ones planning and setting things up for visits, etc. I legit don't know what to do, because if I say something, it's for sure going to start a fight.

I live an hour away, so while it's not that bad visiting during the week is just out of the question - but I legit feel like there's some jealousy because my wife's family lives within 5 minutes of us and see us way more. That being said, I moved to Pittsburgh because there were no jobs for my field, when I was starting out, and driving an hour+ one way to work was mentally killing me, so there's no moving back...

robbiestoupe
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Postby robbiestoupe » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:07 am

So here's a family question for you people. I've recently been given some grief from my close family about not being home to visit enough, etc. I maybe go home once every few weeks, and while I do think I should go more, it's brutally tough with a toddler who has speech therapies, swim lessons, etc. I also feel like I'm the one that always has to invite ourselves over, we're never asked to come to dinner, or to come hang out, or do anything different. It's always us initiating the hang-outs.

This turned into a spat about a month ago, and there was much yelling that happened, but it's been a month and seemingly nothing has changed, we still always call, we're the ones planning and setting things up for visits, etc. I legit don't know what to do, because if I say something, it's for sure going to start a fight.

I live an hour away, so while it's not that bad visiting during the week is just out of the question - but I legit feel like there's some jealousy because my wife's family lives within 5 minutes of us and see us way more. That being said, I moved to Pittsburgh because there were no jobs for my field, when I was starting out, and driving an hour+ one way to work was mentally killing me, so there's no moving back...
If your family is upset about it, it is on them to do something about it, not you. The fact that you're already driving to see them without them reciprocating (I think) is bad enough.

We're in a similar situation, but with 3 kids. It's nearly impossible for us to drive an hour to meet with my family. If they want to see us, either come up or set up a date in the future where you want us to come down. Coming up to us is usually no problem. We have sports, activities, house work, etc. so when they come up, they're just going to be helping us watch the kids while we run around/do errands.

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Postby NTP66 » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:09 am

What robbie said - that's on them, not you. We haven't attended any family gatherings since Christmas of 2019, mainly because my sisters have been less than careful with gatherings themselves, and it wasn't worth the risk to us. That said, nobody has ever started an argument with me over it.

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Postby meow » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:09 am

Once you have kids, people should come to you

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Postby count2infinity » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:15 am

My mother thinks she's great at subtly hinting at wanting more visits from us... it doesn't come across subtly. It comes across passive-aggressively. My mom was a stay at home mom until I was out of the house. We also grew up 15 minutes away from my grandparents. Visiting them and having them visit us was normal.

Now, I live an hour and a half away. Both my wife and I have full time (and then some) jobs. Our weeks are surviving to the weekend, and our weekends are spent getting ready for the week. Any change in our routines throws us off. Not only that, when they come to visit, it's not like they take the kid while we can get our stuff done. It's pretty much us hanging out with them and the kid. It's an imposition. There's no other way to say it. So no... of course I'm not inviting you or inviting myself to your place. It's a pain.

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Postby robbiestoupe » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:19 am

Another way to say it is that my immediate family (i.e. wife and children) now take precedence over my "extended" family (i.e. parents, siblings). It's tough love, but it has to be done.

We've been having issues with my mom recently - an issue that's been there for 30 years between me and her - and I'm pretty much not talking to her. She got angry with me and flipped out on me in front of my kids and my wife, so she's in the dog house. No grandkids, nothing until she apologizes. But she'll try to stand her ground and say she was right, I was wrong, I should apologize, she doesn't have to apologize. Not going to happen, and her punishment is no grandchildren. Going to miss my son's bday party at this rate.

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Postby Morkle » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:29 am

So I will say, they do visit every time we ask them to come up. I think my main problem is that we have to initiate everything, and I thought everyone was fine with it, until it was thrown back into our faces that we don't come around enough. There's never an invite either going or coming to us, it's usually us having to dictate the terms.

For instance Thanksgiving, we didn't get asked to come down for Thanksgiving, we had to basically say, we can come over for the day, are you ok with that? From my POV, I find that incredibly annoying that I have to do it, but I feel if I don't it'll never get asked for me.

I will also say, the only time we're ever invited it's more of a "so what are you doing for X" and not, "hey we're thinking about X, would you like to come down?" The former question always ends with "well we can come down if you want," which puts me in a negative position rather of one that seems accepting.

I've been feeling incredibly guilty about it, and have made an effort to do more things around my family area the last month or so, but again, it's us having to look for things to do and invite them.

Lastly, I brought all this up and it became a nuclear event minus the Thanksgiving thing. I'm frustrated, because it's not like I've been asked to do anything and have been telling them "no we can't make it." I'd adjust the world, if I was just freaking asked, because I feel guilt enough about it as is.

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Postby Morkle » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:33 am

Another way to say it is that my immediate family (i.e. wife and children) now take precedence over my "extended" family (i.e. parents, siblings). It's tough love, but it has to be done.

We've been having issues with my mom recently - an issue that's been there for 30 years between me and her - and I'm pretty much not talking to her. She got angry with me and flipped out on me in front of my kids and my wife, so she's in the dog house. No grandkids, nothing until she apologizes. But she'll try to stand her ground and say she was right, I was wrong, I should apologize, she doesn't have to apologize. Not going to happen, and her punishment is no grandchildren. Going to miss my son's bday party at this rate.
Coincidentally that's how the argument started, because "I gave her attitude" and she said something I found to be very disrespectful in front of my son while I was walking away. I went nuclear because I've been doing all I can to change that dynamic between myself and my mother as well so he would at least see that I treat everyone fairly.

That's how the "you don't come around" enough started, because I was initially frustrated by the original comment, and I was very upset she said something disrespectful, so that was the way to change gears. Albeit I probably answered in a mean way, but it never reached the level she went to originally.

I don't know man, I feel guilty about all of it, which was probably the intended design, but the more I think about it, the more frustrated I've become because what I said was being ignored, evidenced by how things are still going.

robbiestoupe
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Postby robbiestoupe » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:52 am

Another way to say it is that my immediate family (i.e. wife and children) now take precedence over my "extended" family (i.e. parents, siblings). It's tough love, but it has to be done.

We've been having issues with my mom recently - an issue that's been there for 30 years between me and her - and I'm pretty much not talking to her. She got angry with me and flipped out on me in front of my kids and my wife, so she's in the dog house. No grandkids, nothing until she apologizes. But she'll try to stand her ground and say she was right, I was wrong, I should apologize, she doesn't have to apologize. Not going to happen, and her punishment is no grandchildren. Going to miss my son's bday party at this rate.
Coincidentally that's how the argument started, because "I gave her attitude" and she said something I found to be very disrespectful in front of my son while I was walking away. I went nuclear because I've been doing all I can to change that dynamic between myself and my mother as well so he would at least see that I treat everyone fairly.

That's how the "you don't come around" enough started, because I was initially frustrated by the original comment, and I was very upset she said something disrespectful, so that was the way to change gears. Albeit I probably answered in a mean way, but it never reached the level she went to originally.

I don't know man, I feel guilty about all of it, which was probably the intended design, but the more I think about it, the more frustrated I've become because what I said was being ignored, evidenced by how things are still going.
Don't feel guilty about it. 30 years of this ish and for about 15 years of it I also felt guilty. Talked to some friends, counselors, other family members about it and learned I had to put my foot down. It's a manipulative, controlling attitude that requires boundaries. Sucks, but like I said, you have a family to protect now.

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Postby Beveridge » Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:55 am

Once you have kids, people should come to you
Meow with sage words. My wife was trying to figure out Christmas having a new baby this year along with our son and family seeing them. My response was they all have cars. Surprisingly, she agreed after getting over the nonchalant way of saying it.

I would set the boundaries that if you want us to come to you, then we need to know when you would like us to come and we'll do our best to make it work (last minute invite not counting). Weekdays just don't work because it would take more time to travel to and from then we would actually spend there with you.

My wife's mom and close sister (and our only nephews) live about 50 minutes away. They know not to expect us during the week outside rare situations and we have a standing invite on Saturdays and/or Sunday if it works for both sides. Usually by Thursday we know if it will work and set the plans.

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Postby Morkle » Tue Nov 09, 2021 12:00 pm

Ultimately I think that's where I've landed with my frustration. If you're feeling like we're not coming around enough. Invite us. It's been almost two months since the conversation, and not once have we been invited to do anything. So I'm not even being given a chance to be the bad guy, I'm just outright not involved.

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Postby Beveridge » Tue Nov 09, 2021 1:01 pm

I would put that ball in their court, and maybe you have already. You want us to come around more, than tell us when and how you want that to look. Until then, we can't be juggling everything we have going on to guess when you have time for us to come, especially when it's 2 hours of travel plus however long it takes to play hogtie with getting a toddler out the door.

Morkle
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Postby Morkle » Tue Nov 09, 2021 1:47 pm

Yea I think that's the next step. This discussion is going to happen again, because it's been eating me up where I don't feel like I'm in the wrong.

meow
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Postby meow » Tue Nov 09, 2021 2:15 pm

What we do when grandparents get antsy like this is let them know the schedule.

“Saturday:
baby meow soccer at 9 am at the Y
mini meow hockey at 12:30 at the rink
baby meow ballet at 5:45 at dance studio

Sunday:
baby meow ballet at noon at dance studio
football games
this is for dinner

Let us know what you want to come to

Thanks!”

King Colby
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Postby King Colby » Tue Nov 09, 2021 3:57 pm

Ugh. Morkle... my parents do that **** and it's so annoying. They'll send texts or whatever trying to get me or my wife to say "HEY WHY DONT YOU COME OVER TO SEE THE BOYS?!?"

I wish they'd just be straightforward. Hey can we see the boys this weekend? At which point I'd tell them where and when

Morkle
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Postby Morkle » Tue Nov 09, 2021 4:03 pm

Ugh. Morkle... my parents do that **** and it's so annoying. They'll send texts or whatever trying to get me or my wife to say "HEY WHY DONT YOU COME OVER TO SEE THE BOYS?!?"

I wish they'd just be straightforward. Hey can we see the boys this weekend? At which point I'd tell them where and when
That's the kicker. If my parents would just ask us to come down, we'd work to make it happen unless there was truly something in the way we couldn't.

robbiestoupe
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Postby robbiestoupe » Tue Nov 09, 2021 4:50 pm

What is it with our parents? My mom does the same thing. "What are you up to this weekend?" Listen, I know you want to come over and see the kids. Just ask, and I'll let you know what our schedule is.

My real issue is more related to my mom and dad (divorced). My mom can't stand it when he's around, but there are times when it can't be helped like soccer games, bday parties, even holidays. She'll get really upset about something so stupid, and blame it on me. Meanwhile, the true underlying issue is with her being around my dad. That my kids have to see her flip on me will get her grandma house arrest.

mac5155
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Postby mac5155 » Tue Nov 09, 2021 7:50 pm

The older I get, the more I realize my parents really had their sh*t together. Never felt like it at the time but yeah.

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Postby DigitalGypsy66 » Tue Nov 09, 2021 7:57 pm

Yep, I say that all the time. I don't know how they did what they did with a third child and one income. Pretty unreal. I actually told my mom this over the weekend, and she was speechless (which is rare).

Morkle
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Postby Morkle » Wed Nov 10, 2021 9:58 am

Well, things were much different at that time. I think we're all handling our stuff appropriately, but people could survive on one income while we we're growing up.

robbiestoupe
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Postby robbiestoupe » Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:00 pm

I definitely appreciate what my parents did to raise us, especially my mom. They had 3 kids, we have 3 kids. I constantly think to myself how in the world would I do this without my wife? It's already a disaster, and I get pissy when she has to work a weekend and I'm with the kids all day. You just need a break every once in a while. I'm not even sure my mom got a break after we went to bed. When our kids go to bed, we do dishes, make lunches the next day, sometimes shower if our day was dirty, sometimes prep a crock pot so that we can have dinner before soccer practice the next day, read the kids' school work, read the 56 emails the kindergarten teacher sends us...

It's also why it's hard for me to "get" older generations. For example, my wife's parents. It's the classical wife does all the housework and the husband goes to his day job. Clear delineation in duties. They're both retired, but watch our kids on Thursdays. My FIL won't lift a finger to help out. He sits on the couch all day, watches TV, reads, may play a game or two with the kids, and that's it. My MIL takes care of the baby, feeds everybody, does dishes, takes them to the bus, picks the middle one up from school, etc. She's completely beat by the end of the day.

mac5155
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Postby mac5155 » Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:42 pm

Well, things were much different at that time. I think we're all handling our stuff appropriately, but people could survive on one income while we we're growing up.
I was more speaking to your comments about parents guilt tripping you and stuff, but yes I agree you can't compare generations either. My daycare bill will be almost $10k next year for 2 kids. And that's CHEAP relatively speaking.

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Postby meow » Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:07 pm

$10k for two kids?? Jeez I wish we would have had that inexpensive of an option.

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