Blackjack's Thread of Illness and Ailments

Postby **Robot B9** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:50 am

Deepest sympathies and condolences to the family, dodint. It's over now.

Postby **tifosi77** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:55 am

I'm really sorry to hear that, dodint.

Postby **meow** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:55 am

Terribly sorry, dodint. My sincerest condolences to you and your wife's family.

Postby **Silentom** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 11:26 am

Sorry to hear that, dodint. My condolences.

Postby **skullman80** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 2:31 pm

Thanks, guys

July is coming.
He got home late last night. My wife stayed till about 5am. He passed 20 minutes later, because of course he did.

My grandma did the same thing. She was in hospice. My mom and aunt were there all night. They left for 20 minutes.. she passed at that time. Figured it was just the way she wanted to go.

Either way... sorry for your situation dodint... cancer sucks.

Postby **AuthorTony** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:49 pm

So sorry for your loss. My grandparents all died just after someone who had been staying with them either fell asleep or left the room. My mom was a nurse and said it happened like that very often. She thought maybe it was to spare the family from having to see that last breath/moment.

Postby **dodint** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 8:53 pm

Thanks eveyone, it really does provide some comfort to read these condolences.

Tony, the same exact thing happened with both of my grand parents. It's interesting for sure.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention a very poignant book, Who Will Make the Pies When I'm Gone?: Living the Dark Side of Cancer (No Sugar Added) which was written by the now late mother of a member of our community. He recommended it to me when my wife was battling her own cancer and we both got a lot out of it. That user can out themselves if they want, I don't feel it's my place.

Rather than make this just a list of condolences maybe we can have a discussion to help me work through something. Obviously my wife is in deep pain; a near universal grieving that's part of life. So assuming that everyone is doing everything they can to alleviate that pain for now, I'm curious about some feelings that I'm having which I alluded to earlier.

Query: Was the opportunity cost of my wife and I going out in the world to make a life for ourselves, effectively missing the last decade of her father's life, worth it?

Yes: In 2006 when I committed to joining the Marines I was making $6/hr gluing medical parts together at an injection molding factory. Present day I make over six times that and the quality of our lives has improved at a subjectively exponential rate. I'm confident that I would not have made this progress in Latrobe over the same period of time. I would have bettered myself, but I highly doubt it would've been to this degree over the same time period. Not just talking about money, but every facet of our life together is improved thanks to the path we followed. The cost of this path was we missed out being around our family in a day to day setting. I personally missed the death of my grandparents, whom I was close with, on two different trips to Afghanistan and it gutted me.
On a more anthropological level the purpose of parents is to guide their children into adulthood, presumably onto better circumstances than they had for themselves. By raising a daughter that was competent enough to meet someone with mutual goals and high compatibility he succeeded. The price paid for his daughter to live a better life than he did was her going into the world at all costs. She returned full time a few short months before he died; so he knew she had succeeded and thus he shares in that success inherently.

No: Family is important, and you only have one shot at enjoying them in the last great years. We could've made a life here in Western PA that was serviceable. The decade lost is irrecoverable and could have been spent entertaining countless family gatherings that will now never happen. So long as my wife's overall well-being is the same or better than his, it's her obligation to repay the parents by directly aiding him in his final decade.

My conclusion: Obviously I lean towards yes. The sacrifice we chose to make will pay dividends for us for decades. Rationally it's very easy to say that. But having him die just months after our return stings badly and injects some noxious guilt that otherwise shouldn't be there. I'm not sure if I don't value family enough or if I just place the importance of my core group (me/wife) well ahead of all blood family at this point. How might my opinion change if it were my father? I wonder if he would've found me a failure if I hadn't elevated our stature and what kind of feelings I'd be having now if I had stayed to that end.

Incidentally, her brother has been feuding with her Dad for no real reason over the same time period and saw my Father in Law even less than my wife despite living in the same town. He has boned himself regarding all this.

@Willie Kool I read your thoughts about healthcare and the costs of keeping someone alive well past their natural expiration. For the disagreements I've had with my Mother in Law over the years and the way she carries herself as kind of being a bit simple, when given the choice of keeping him alive on machines for a few more weeks or transitioning to hospice to have him die at home I was startled at how quickly she chose the latter. Her unflinching decision to bring him home to die in peace was almost shocking to me. This was a man who was up and around and well enough to assemble a charcoal grill on the 4th of July this year. The decision was gut wrenching for her but she made it and it was the right call. It's one of the most noble things I've ever witnessed in my life. I have no confidence at all that I could make the same choice. Maybe it's an realm of love that I just have not had the capacity to grow into yet. Thankfully I'm certain I'll be dying first and shouldn't have to find out.

Feel free to comment or not, just working through some stuff while I grieve and it helps me to write it out.

Postby **Blue Canary** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 9:04 pm

dodint, I'm so sorry. You, your wife, and your family have my sincere condolences.

Same to LBL and any and all of you going through such trying times. Been there, myself, and you all have my best wishes.

Postby **Willie Kool** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:43 pm

He got home late last night. My wife stayed till about 5am. He passed 20 minutes later, because of course he did.

Our condolences. Mrs K lost her grandmother to melanoma / bone cancer. It was a long, horrible death. She was home, eventually wasting away to 70 some pounds, on the couch in pain for almost a year before she finally passed. **** cancer, indeed.

On a more anthropological level the purpose of parents is to guide their children into adulthood, presumably onto better circumstances than they had for themselves. By raising a daughter that was competent enough to meet someone with mutual goals and high compatibility he succeeded. The price paid for his daughter to live a better life than he did was her going into the world at all costs. She returned full time a few short months before he died; so he knew she had succeeded and thus he shares in that success inherently.

This. He passed knowing his daughter will have a good life. I'd think that's what would matter most to a parent.

or if I just place the importance of my core group (me/wife) well ahead of all blood family at this point.

I think that's perfectly natural.

@Willie Kool I read your thoughts about healthcare and the costs of keeping someone alive well past their natural expiration. For the disagreements I've had with my Mother in Law over the years and the way she carries herself as kind of being a bit simple, when given the choice of keeping him alive on machines for a few more weeks or transitioning to hospice to have him die at home I was startled at how quickly she chose the latter. Her unflinching decision to bring him home to die in peace was almost shocking to me. This was a man who was up and around and well enough to assemble a charcoal grill on the 4th of July this year. The decision was gut wrenching for her but she made it and it was the right call. It's one of the most noble things I've ever witnessed in my life. I have no confidence at all that I could make the same choice. Maybe it's an realm of love that I just have not had the capacity to grow into yet. Thankfully I'm certain I'll be dying first and shouldn't have to find out.

They most likely discussed this scenario, and it was what he wanted. Good on her either way, because she did ultimately have to make the call.
Mrs K and I have talked about it, and I can't really imagine not doing what she'd want.

Postby **dodint** » Wed Jul 12, 2017 11:17 pm

Source of the post They most likely discussed this scenario, and it was what he wanted.

Yeah. He didn't want to 'whither away hooked up to tubes.' To get into the weeds on it when the doctors said he suffered additional brain damage and QoL would never come back to what he had pre-brain injury stuff that was the criteria met that satisfied the condition for her. Still, though, I think the ability to make that decision so readily and selflessly hints at a kind of coupling that I haven't achieved yet with my wife, and I love her dearly and what I thought was selflessly. What really compounds that for me is that they achieved that level of mutual respect and trust through years and years of coexistence, a factor that you would think would make it that much harder to ultimately pull the plug. Again, it's really one of the greatest acts of human kindness I've ever witnessed, not being hyperbolic here.

Maybe because *I* thought he was going to get some rest under sedation, and have one last spell of cognitive productivity before his flame flickered out, it's overly incredible to me. Instead he just went without ever gaining consciousness, a course of action made almost certain by her decision. Just, wow.

Postby **columbia** » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:32 am

I've got this terrible cold coming on

Postby **dodint** » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:51 am

My wife and I have a lingering, something. We both have a gland swollen in our neck, but just one one side. Also a steady headache and general body soreness. The worst of it seems to have passed but that gland is persistently swollen.

Postby **columbia** » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:52 am

Just downed some Zicam and hoping for the best.

Postby **dodint** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 2:13 pm

I have *something*, not sure what. Maybe that virus that acts a lot like allergies. Though I don't have any real respiratory issues or anything. I'm just exhausted, headaches, feeling hot, etc. Not sleeping great. It might just be exhaustion from hating work and school, doing some calorie restriction, etc. About an hour ago I figured maybe I'd try to go for a run tonight and perk myself up. In the last 30 minutes or so the life has just drained out of me. I wanted to call off today but I left my computer at work last night and I"ll need it for telework tomorrow.

I feel like used gum.

Postby **shmenguin** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:07 pm

Blood work may tell the story. I'd go to urgent care asap. I had similar symptoms a few years ago and found out my liver was inflamed. Not that it's likely that you have the same thing, but you may want to act quickly to strike while you're still symptomatic.

Postby **dodint** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:12 pm

I say this in all seriousness. I haven't been to a doctor, other than to get shots and have a mole checked, since before 2006. I literally do not know how.

I don't think Urgent Care was a thing back then. I'm used to having a GP. Isn't UC like treating healthcare like fast food? Not meaning to condescend but the ad hoc delivery of medical services seems foreign to me.

Postby **count2infinity** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:12 pm

Take a shot of whiskey.

Postby **dodint** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:13 pm

My man, will do!

Postby **count2infinity** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:13 pm

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Postby **shafnutz05** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:04 pm

I really need to go for a primary care physical and establish my doctor. We have good health insurance, I just haven't had a reason to go to the doctor (knock on wood) yet. It takes a lot longer for new patients to get an appointment so need to get that done...thanks for reminding me.

Postby **shmenguin** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:30 pm

I say this in all seriousness. I haven't been to a doctor, other than to get shots and have a mole checked, since before 2006. I literally do not know how.

I don't think Urgent Care was a thing back then. I'm used to having a GP. Isn't UC like treating healthcare like fast food? Not meaning to condescend but the ad hoc delivery of medical services seems foreign to me.

I haven't had a regular GP in a while so UC is often my frontline defense. It's generally a bunch of minor league doctors, but they can be a good starting point if you have good insurance (I assume govt workers do). They're decent at ruling out simple things but aren't good at actually solving problems. So from there, it's not uncommon for them to suggest that you take a trip to the ER to get the proper testing done. Time is of the essence a lot of times with symptoms like yours. They could go away tomorrow and you'll learn nothing. Or you can hustle to get some tests run and at least collect data while you still feel junky. Just my 2 cents anyways.

Postby **Shyster** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 9:06 pm

Urgent-care physicians are not necessarily scrubs. My late father was a jackass, but he was a very good emergency-medicine physician. When he worked as an ER doc up in Binghamton NY, I know he rotated through shifts at his hospital's urgent-care clinic because he brought me along a couple times to work as a helper (this was obviously long before HIPAA was a thing). He'd have me hand him the supplies while he sutured up someone's cut—stuff like that. His group of physicians staffed both the ER and the clinic. He also worked urgent-care clinics after he moved out to California.

Postby **blackjack68** » Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:51 am

So my mother-in-law who is 82 had shoulder surgery a few years ago and is now having issues with the same shoulder, had a consult yesterday with a specialist. Doc reviewed her issue said that surgery would be an option that would involve two procedures. He then asked about the rest of her health and she told him about COPD and being on oxygen. Doc said surgery was unlikely given that information. He then suggested that my straight-laced 82 year old MIL consider medical weed.

It's not funny, but it's funny.

Postby **columbia** » Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:54 am

My mom takes one of low level narco drugs and decided to not give a **** about the consequences; she'll be 81 in a few weeks.

Postby **Lemon Berry Lobster** » Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:22 pm

Geez had completely forgotten about posting about my uncle's cancer here so thanks to all of those who said some kind words. I suppose an update is an order.

At the beginning of August things were looking very grim. He was worried about chemo being to strong and that it would kill him. Ironic as we all knew. We have a few cancer survivors on my Mom's side, his sister and her daughter, and other's that are in some field of medicine begging him to go get the chemo. He was basically bed ridden, was sleeping most of the time, and really only ate when someone fed him. My mom was getting ready to fly out and convince him to go get treatment or to say her goodbyes. On the 12th of August my cousin went to visit and finally convinced him to go to the hospital. Since he has non-hodgkin's lymphoma he basically had no white blood cells left. He was given blood transfusions for several days. On the 18th he started feeling better, and was able to get up and walk around the hospital. He used his left arm for the first time in about 6 months, he had a tumor growing. After getting his white blood cell count to a normal level he agreed to begin chemo. Since he has always been healthier they suggested he take a newer chemo which drips chemo for 96 hours as opposed 6 hours. Once his levels returned he decided to go through with the more intense chemo. He was able to get through round one with minimal issues and got to go home for the first time in a few weeks after being in the hospital.

Today he starts round 2 of the chemo, thankfully the tumor has gone from the size of a baseball to the size of a ping pong ball. Now we aren't out of the woods yet but considering about 7 or 8 weeks ago it looked like he would be passing away to being able to be home, up and walking around, and living about as normally as he could it is certainly a welcomed change.

So again thanks for all the kinds words from everyone.